The Royal Healthcare Plan

Achashveirosh is an often-misunderstood hero of the Purim story. He survived an insidious assassination attempt by his political enemies that turned out to be an inside job. Yet he remained steadfast in his mission of bringing universal healthcare to the entire kingdom. The Megillah emphasizes the number of countries he ruled over to highlight the number of people who would have been helped by his ambitious plan.

What really motivated Achashveirosh to make the spread of universal healthcare his life’s mission was the sorry situation with his first wife. She had a severe case of acne and grew an appendage on her underside. These are rather mundane ailments that can be easily remedied with the proper treatment. Vashti, however, was unable to afford the co-pay and deductible. Other historians say that the reason for her lack of treatment was that she was from Babylon (Nebuchadnezzar’s family), and the Persian doctors were out of network. Whatever the explanation, her demise was a direct result of her lack of proper healthcare. Achashveirosh realized that something must be done.

The first step was to gather all the young women in his vast kingdom and bring them to the palace. While living on the royal grounds, all these women would naturally have the very best healthcare obtainable in ancient Persia. They would, of course, have limitations on their freedom and on their ability to choose their own spouse, but this is to be expected. There always have to be sacrifices when great things are accomplished!

In fact, it would seem that only the stubborn Esther refused to submit to Achashveirosh’s grandiose scheme. But that is also to be expected, since she was a Republican. This is evident by the fact that Achashveirosh issued tax cuts to convince Esther to reveal her nationality. Why would she be impressed with this unless she was a Republican?

The second step of Achashveirosh’s plan was to trim the number of the uninsured. Fortunately, he and Haman had a simple plan: Eliminate them. Haman would lead the seven-member death panel. The 13th of Adar was chosen as the date when the number of uninsured in the Persian Empire would dramatically decrease. This date was set almost a year in advance, but, as you know, true change takes time.

There was fierce opposition, so the populace had to be bribed. Haman paraded a man in the street wearing royal clothing and riding on a royal horse, proclaiming, “This will be done to the man that the king finds dear”— i.e., those who agree to his health plan. Haman’s daughter got into the act by stressing that lack of coverage is not an option. She demonstrated that even garbage coverage is better than none at all.

Esther, the Republican, refused to see the wisdom of the plan. But she could not convince Achashveirosh of the fallacy of his ways. So she put forth an argument that even he could understand: Elimination of the uninsured would decrease tax revenues. Achashveirosh countered that decreasing the number of uninsured would somehow decrease the deficit. These discussions were kept private and not broadcast on C-SPAN. This was Esther’s fault, because she insisted that no one else be invited to the meetings.

Now Achashveirosh was faced with a real quandary. What would it be: cut the number of uninsured or maintain his base for tax purposes? The solution was simple. A referendum was set for the 13th of Adar. The voting machines were out of order, as the last time they were used they had too many problems with hanging chads. Violence would have to be used. Well, the uninsured won, and the rest is history. Achashveirosh failed to make any real healthcare reform. Achashveirosh claimed he had to increase taxes to make up for the lost savings, and the world would have to wait at least another 2,000 years for real healthcare reform.