The Gemara (Chullin 105a) records a fascinating statement by Mar Ukva: “I am like vinegar from wine compared to my father. For if my father ate meat one day, he would not eat dairy for another 24 hours! Whereas I merely wait from one meal until the next (roughly six hours).”
We find a similar sentiment regarding kibbud av. The pasuk says, “And Rivkah took the clean garments of Eisav, her older son, which were with her in the house, and clothed Yaakov, her younger son” (Bereishis 27:15).
The Midrash Rabbah explains that these were no ordinary clothes; they originally belonged to Nimrod, and Eisav had taken them after killing him. Eisav kept these royal garments at home specifically to wear whenever he served his father, Yitzchak. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel later remarked, “All my days, I did not serve my father with even one-hundredth of the honor with which Eisav served his father! When I served my father, I wore ordinary, dirty clothes...whereas Eisav put on royal garments.”
This raises an obvious question: If Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel and Mar Ukva realized that something was lacking in their fulfillment of kibbud av and basar b’chalav, why didn’t they just adopt the proper changes? What was stopping them?
A Seven-Course Spiritual Meal
The following explanation is quoted in the name of the father of the Mussar movement, Rav Yisrael Salanter, zt”l:
When a wealthy man sits down to a lavish meal, he doesn’t immediately grab dessert (although, personally, I think dessert should always be served first!). He begins with an appetizer of chicken dumplings in ginger broth. Next, he enjoys a warm bowl of poached garlic soup. The third course is a crisp bruschetta salad, followed by a refreshing lime-and-basil sorbet. Then comes the main dish: tender lamb with port sauce and a side of sage scalloped potatoes. Only after all of that does he finally eat his dessert of coffee-and-amaretto tortoni with chocolate ganache.
(I’m getting hungry just writing this; I sincerely hope my wife is reading!)
Even if the dessert were displayed as a beautiful centerpiece from the very beginning, the meal would still follow a proper order.
The same applies to avodas Hashem. The way to build one’s spiritual character is step by step. If a builder tries to construct the fourth floor without properly supporting the third, the entire building will collapse! Likewise, spiritual floors must be built in order to properly support each ensuing echelon. Mar Ukva and Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel felt that they hadn’t yet climbed to the spiritual level necessary for those added stringencies. They understood that the healthiest approach to avodas Hashem is a continuous, steady upward climb, without skipping steps.
The Pauper’s Mentality
Rav Yisrael Salanter added a fascinating caveat: That approach was only true in earlier generations.
Back then, there were true tzaddikim who were rich in spirituality. They could systematically achieve love and fear of Hashem, alacrity, watchfulness, and every other noble trait.
“But nowadays (in the 1800s!), when we are spiritually poor, we have to grab at every available mitzvah! The delicious meal parable applies to spiritually wealthy people who have a guarantee of reaching dessert. But we are like a pauper who grabs at any morsel of food offered to him. If a pauper is handed a coffee-and-amaretto tortoni, he will devour it, even if he hasn’t eaten a proper meal, because he doesn’t know when his next dish is coming!”
Who knows how many “spiritual courses” we will be served in our lives? Therefore, we should snatch any mitzvah that comes our way! In previous generations, they had the luxury of a slow, continuous climb because they were confident they would reach the top. In our spiritually starved generation, we must jump at any possible opportunity.
Is a Chumrah Always the Answer?
Someone in my yeshiva once suggested that this statement from Rav Yisrael Salanter provides a perfect rationale for grabbing every chumrah (stringency) available.
However, my Rosh Yeshiva, HaGaon HaRav Henoch Leibowitz, zt”l, politely differed.
Rav Henoch explained that taking on an added stringency without the requisite internal feelings constitutes a form of falsehood. If a person’s outward actions are incongruous with his inner character, he begins engraining falsehood into his very psyche.
Moreover, taking on unearned chumros often leads to haughtiness. A person starts viewing himself as superior to his peers simply because he acts more stringently on the outside. This arrogance creates a dangerous blind spot: he falsely assumes he has achieved perfection, while ignoring his glaring spiritual deficiencies.
So how did Rav Yisrael Salanter view it?
Rav Yisrael and his talmidim viewed themselves as being spiritually destitute. They were acutely aware of how far their level of shemiras ha’mitzvos was from the early Tanaim and Amoraim. When they took on a chumrah, it didn’t come from pride; it came from a place of gasping for spiritual air. Their desperate attitude meant that taking on a stringency was not an act of falsehood. They were truly like a starving pauper grabbing a stray dessert because it was all they had.
Back to the Basics
The Rosh Yeshiva noted that nowadays, that deep feeling of spiritual poverty is largely lost. We don’t view ourselves as destitute. We might acknowledge a few “minor tweaks” we need to make, but otherwise, we think we’re doing pretty well!
In our times, an outward display of piety that doesn’t correlate to true inner feelings will only foster conceit. Because we lack Rav Yisrael’s intense sense of spiritual destitution, our baseline conduct should revert to the original formula: We shouldn’t adopt stringencies beyond our true spiritual level. Instead, we should focus on a steady, honest climb.
If someone is looking for genuine spiritual growth, he should work on the basics first.
I was once at a gathering on the Lower East Side of Manhattan to hear words of inspiration and pray for our brothers in Eretz Yisrael. Rav Dovid Feinstein, zt”l, gave a rare public drashah. His practical advice for a personal resolution?
Say Tachanun with a bit more feeling and try to understand the words.
On another occasion, he urged his listeners to simply resolve to offer everyone a warm smile.
These are the basics, and every single one of us can improve on them.
Rav Yisrael Salanter wrote that the absolute foundation of spiritual growth is learning mussar every single day. The Chofetz Chaim (Mishnah Berurah 603:2) quotes both the AriZal and the Vilna Gaon that there is an absolute obligation to learn mussar daily. Perhaps anyone looking for a meaningful commitment can resolve to set aside daily time for mussar.
A Word of Caution
The goal here is simply to suggest that when we look to grow, we should look to the basics first. In no way is this meant to criticize anyone else’s practices or customs.
Rav Mattisyahu Solomon, zt”l, cited Rabbeinu Yonah (Shaar HaTeshuva 3:176) on the pasuk, “One who scorns a matter will cause himself injury.” Rav Solomon explained that ridiculing someone else’s meticulousness or chumros, even if one isn’t disparaging the person directly but merely mocking the stringency itself, can tragically lead a person toward heresy and distance them from the Shechinah. Everyone’s personal journey deserves respect.
May Hashem help us all achieve true, honest success on our journey of spiritual growth!
Maggid shiur and Rebbe at Yeshiva Ateres Shimon in Far Rockaway. He leads the Daf Yomi chaburah at Eitz Chayim of Dogwood Park in West Hempstead, and writes “Delving into the Daf” each week for The Jewish Home.
