The Shame Of Sinning

Rav Schwadron said to imagine that a dishonest individual was caught stealing. He would immediately offer profuse apologies, profess his sincere desire to repent, and promise to be honest in the future. Yet if somehow he managed to be vindicated by a court of law, he would be exuberant. His joy would be compounded if he also managed to hold on to his ill-gotten gains. The reason for his happiness is that he succeeded in his evil ways without any punishment. His desire was only to evade that retribution. His temporary discomfort and sadness was only due to his having to face the consequences of his actions. Now that he has managed to escape any penalty, he will be overjoyed.

However, suppose there was an otherwise honest person who was once overcome by a strong desire to steal. He let his temptations temporarily win over him and he pilfered some items. That one fateful time, he managed to get caught. He, too, apologized profusely to the judge and promised never to steal again. Seeing it was a one-time occurrence and a first offense, the judge let him off the hook. Would he be exuberant and overjoyed? Have all his concerns been taken care of? Probably not. He can’t believe that he fell prey to his evil inclination. He can’t believe that an honest person like himself stooped so low to violate the property of another. Sure, he is relieved that he won’t sit in jail, but how can he live with himself knowing he attempted a despicable act?

Rav Schwadron suggested that the difference between us and Rebbe Akiva is somewhat similar to the two men. We pray and ask Hashem for forgiveness. If Hashem forgives us, we would be overjoyed. We were concerned with the Divine wrath that may come about due to our actions. If we achieve atonement, that would be pure bliss.

However, Rebbe Akiva realized the severity of a sin. Even after one achieves atonement, the fact that he needed atonement is itself a cause for immense shame. The Torah says Hashem will forgive the woman for thinking she was violating a vow although in actuality she wasn’t. We would be happy with that statement. Good! At least we have a promise of atonement. Rebbe Akiva wasn’t happy with that assurance. How could he be? The upshot of that promise is that even thinking one was committing a sin is such a despicable act that it requires atonement. Therefore, even after one attains atonement, the individual must still live with that immense shame knowing what she did. Rebbe Akiva cried because he realized the disgrace of sin can survive atonement. He knew that the promise of atonement would not be enough to assuage his self-humiliation.

Rav Sholom Schwadron suggested that although we are not moved to tears from studying the above passage of Gemara, perhaps we can cry when we realize our spiritual failings. We can cry when we realize how far removed we are from the comprehension of what a sin really is that we can’t even fathom crying when studying this passage. ™