Keeping It In the Family

Tosfos quotes Rabbeinu Tam who vehemently disagreed. Tosfos relates a story about a man in Provence, France, who was set to marry his father-in-law’s ex-wife. The entire wedding meal was already prepared. Yet, Rabbeinu Tam ruled that the wedding ceremony could not go forward even in the face of such a significant loss. Rabbeinu Tam ruled that we must follow the Yerushalmi on this matter. Perhaps even the Bavli agrees and was not discussing the issue of maaris ayin. Alternatively, perhaps the prohibition was enacted at a later period in time.

Tosfos states that the same issue is relevant to another question. May a man marry his step-sister? (A half-sister is certainly forbidden.) According to the letter of the law, a man is totally unrelated to his step-sister and may marry her. However, the same issue of maaris ayin is at play. Perhaps the onlooker will assume that the man is marrying his sister or half-sister. It is clear that if the step-siblings did not grow up together there is no issue. However, if they did grow up together, the Yerushalmi says that they may not marry. They may, however, travel to a distant place where no one recognizes them and marry. Tosfos notes that, as opposed to the issue of marrying the former wife of the father-in-law, this question is directly discussed in Talmud Bavli. The Gemara in Sota clearly rules there is no issue of maaris ayin when step-siblings marry. It is assumed that everyone knows they are only step-siblings.

The Shulchan Aruch (EH 15:11) rules that step-siblings can indeed marry even if they grew up together. This ruling was followed by none other than the Chofetz Chaim.

The Chofetz Chaim’s father passed away when he was only ten years old. His widowed mother initially moved to Vilna and eventually married Rav Shimon Halevi Epstein. The Chofetz Chaim was offered many shidduchim. Indeed, he was offered substantial dowries that would enable him to study Torah without worrying about earning a livelihood. However, his step-father really wanted him to marry his daughter, Freidah. To promote sholom bayis between his step-father and mother, he agreed to the match. However, his mother was not in favor. The Chofetz Chaim spent time convincing his mother to agree to the shidduch to ensure the success of his shalom bayis plan. And so it was that the Chofetz Chaim married a poor girl who was older than he was for the sake of shalom bayis with little hope of financial support. However, the Chofetz Chaim credited everything he achieved in life to his wife, who ran their store while he became the Chofetz Chaim.

The Chofetz Chaim once remarked that his friend married a specific woman for the sake of a promised large dowry. The intent was seemingly proper as with significant financial backing his friend would be able to delve into the secrets of Torah. However, his friend lost all his money and was no longer able to devote his life to Torah. Meanwhile, the Chofetz Chaim remained poor his entire life, married a woman who enabled him to study Torah. Although initially it may have seemed that his friend had the better shidduch, in hindsight, the Chofetz Chaim’s shidduch worked out fabulously.

As an aside, it was reported in 2018 that this permit for marrying unrelated step-siblings was used in Yerushalayim.