Cautionary Customs

Another dictum mentioned in the will is that one should not marry a spouse who has the same first name as his parent. A student of the Noda BeYehuda asked his rebbe about a shidduch proposed for his sister-in-law with a talmid chacham who had the same name as the girl’s father. The Noda BeYehuda encouraged the shidduch and told his student that the family doesn’t have to worry about the dictums of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid’s will. He offered a few reasons. The first of them was that perforce the will was intended solely for Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid’s descendants. He foresaw with divine inspiration that his family would not have success with such shidduchim therefore he discouraged it. It couldn’t have been directed for all of K’lal Yisrael because we see many examples of things he forbade that were actually practiced in the Talmud.

The D’var Moshe says that one such example can be found in our Gemara. The Gemara (Menachos 29b) relates that Rami bar Tamra, who was the father-in-law of Rami ber Dikuli, had a question of whether or not his teffilin were pasul. It is obvious from the story that Rami married a girl whose father had the same name as his own. However, the name seems a bit peculiar. What are the odds that Rami, the son of someone named “a date tree” (the translation of tamra) would marry a girl whose father was Rami the son of “a date tree” (the translation of dikuli). This leads the Shita Mekubetzes to conclude that a scribal error crept into our editions of the Talmud. The correct text should read “Rami Bar Tamra who was also known as Rami bar Dikuli.” In Aramaic the actual textual change amounts to a few letters. According to this version, obviously no proof can be brought to the Noda BeYehuda. As an aside, the Noda BeYehuda said that he is surprised that he is often questioned about a girl marrying a talmid chacham with the same name as her father but is rarely questioned about a girl marrying an individual who is an ignoramus in Torah. The latter is clearly forbidden by the Talmud which compares it to “tying up one’s daughter and placing her before a lion.”

Many people nevertheless have a custom to be stringent specifically regarding this dictum. However, many poskim including the Minchas Elazar permit the shidduch as long as the names aren’t exactly the same. For instance, a talmid chacham named Rabbi Moshe Dov was permitted to marry the daughter of a Rabbi Moshe. A talmid chacham called Dovid was permitted to marry the daughter of a Rabbi Dovid. He did this by deciding that from then on he would use his full Hebrew name, Dovid Yonah. Some are even of the opinion that a man may marry a girl whose name is Sarah, which is the same as his own mother, but his future wife will be called Suri.

However, it is interesting to note that the Yabea Omer (EH 2:7:15) quotes poskim that wrote that this dictum is basically irrelevant nowadays. It was only for people under the age of 20 who had the luxury of time on their side. Anyone over twenty has a mitzvah to get married as soon as he’s ready and should not let this custom interfere with his Biblical mitzvah of getting married.

Rav Moshe Shternbuch (2:619) on the other hand writes that even if one is not usually careful about the dictums of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid, he should be careful about this one. He writes that a kollel yungerman once became very sick. When he went to the Steipler for a bracha and advice it emerged that his wife had the same name as his mother. The Steipler urged that his wife should change her name immediately. The wife did so and then her husband fully recovered. He writes that in case of need, anyone can use this solution of changing one’s name to circumvent the problem.